By Gabriel
ery often a man is judged by his clothes. Less often is a man judged by what he straddles in those clothes. The Original Man that I speak of is David Lee Roth. Legend, goofball, sex machine, singer, and… sex machine. Roth is only one part of what I love about Van Halen.
Van Halen is a guilty pleasure without a doubt. Some people like crappy bubblegum pop like Pink or Britney Spears. Older folks might not confess to enjoying bands like Boston. Somewhere in the middle I guess you'd find me who discovered this classic band well beyond its prime. For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (took me over a year to recognize the acronym) was my first Van Halen album. It was intermediate school where we'd crank up the lunchroom jukebox to "Poundcake." Such a great song and done creatively, I might add.
Just so we're clear, I like Sammy Hagar. I even preferred him over Roth back then. The older Van Halen seemed just that – old – and Hagar had a stronger voice. Roth's was rich with pretentiousness and distracting from the musicians. Silly me. Roth was an artist. The truest visionary of the band. He's a smart guy, too. Sure, maybe he's a pain to work with but then again Eddie Van Halen's behavior of late is difficult to forgive.
Anyway, the 1991 album was a classic for more reasons than "Right Now" and it was also the last good Van Halen album. I still haven't mined all of the older works but I'm no fool – 1984 is a masterwork. "Hot For Teacher" is one of the greatest and funniest songs ever written, not to mention a hilarious video. ("I don't feel tardy." Priceless!) At the time, it was racy enough that my dad even questioned letting me view it on MTV. I dare you to find a better, more recognizable drum opening! I DARE YOU! And what young male student hasn't felt some hormonal urges toward a teacher? Roth's voice was just as acrobatic as his body on stage. I still can't figure out how he pulled off all of the squealing and hooting from their debut record. Roth doesn't own all of the credit for this infectious fun band though. Both he and Hagar brought their own brand of ridiculous pomp and stage theatrics. And one can only assume that every song is about girls, sex or love.
Van Halen orchestrated some of my funnest times as a teenager — driving around Roanoke, rocking out in a jacked up Jimmy, playing pool and setting off homemade bombs. The Hagar works paint most of those moments but I very much appreciate Roth and his merry band of swinging dicks. Let's face it, folks, Van Halen was – and will always be – the only acceptable hair metal band.
I brought my PENCIL!!!
awesome
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